Monday, April 15, 2013

After 249 blog posts...

... and I'm not able to comprehend 250 as nothing else than just a number. My friends tell that 250 posts is a lot. I don't know, is it? My brain doesn't think it is, but my fingers for sure do. When I reached the first milestone with my 100th post, I realized after a while that it actually wasn't. You see, I had a couple of unpublished drafts- empty ones. This time I made sure that the same mistake wouldn't happen. Content- wise I didn't want to repeat what I had written before, even though I knew that I would do a bit of recapping.

I read the first three posts ever to get some inspiration and to just see how all things started. Even if I say myself that some things made me laugh, in the end it was mainly depressed feelings that I felt. It wasn't about me missing my exchange year and city, it was more about missing the writing style and how I used to be, I guess. My writing back then was more relaxed and care free, and everything was so exciting and new. Now everything seems to be so calculative and strategical.

When I mentioned about this to a couple, they were telling me not to stop writing. Hold on, I didn't say anything about not wanting to write. Actually, I haven't enjoyed writing this much in a while, although I do have to admit that a few months back I felt like quitting. And at this point I would like to thank Christian aka Shelf Nunny for continuously sharing his music with me and inspiring me to develop some awesome future projects, which meant that this is the best time to keep writing. You'll see at some point what we've got in store.

But back to the problem, or let's say that I don't even know what the problem is, then therefore how to fix it. Maybe it's about not knowing what the future holds. It was much easier to live when you knew that next autumn is about starting a new school year. On the other hand it's exciting when you can basically do what ever you want.

What ever I want. This is something hard to keep in mind, when you're used to going down a structured path. It's also hard when your dreams keeps changing or worse, are forgotten.

The problem also could be that reading those posts made me miss the wit that came out so naturally out of me. I know that person is still in me... Wait, is this what they call growing up? Momentary insanity?

One way to get rid of these thoughts is to travel and have new experiences. What I've noticed, though, is that  it's just a temporary solution to everything. You end up back home anyways, and everything starts from the beginning.

Earlier this afternoon I talked about this issue with one of my dearest friends, and she basically was able to sum up almost everything I believed in life.

You taught me how to live every moment and everything deeply! What I always say about you is that you are this kind of person who likes to enjoy everything as much as you can and you taught me that.. Maybe you didn't notice it but at the end [of the exchange] I felt like I lived my life as I wanted to and I tried to enjoy everything at the same moment I was doing it. I remember you smelling the food, the wine, the beer before eating or drinking. And I was always like what the fuck..But I don't know later I thought okay I want to be like Jaleh! She knows exactly what she wants every moment and how. And after my reflection about that I started living my life with all my senses. I remember biking near the lake, smelling the air and being happy for that, you know what I mean? Now before lunch I sat down outside in the sun and I was just being there watching and feeling the air.. I always use you as a good example of living the life. So now don't tell me you are sad or whatever.

I've known my friend for almost 3 years and it's the first time she's said anything about this. Her response was simply: "now I think you needed to hear something like that". And all I remember from my side was watching and thinking that I need to be more like her. 

Isn't it ironic?

In January 2010 my aunt died of a heart attack. I realized that life can be taken anytime from you, so why not concentrate on doing the things you want instead of those which would look good on your resume. This thinking resulted into picking a different exchange school. I believe things happen for a reason and for such a long time I was wondering what was the purpose of me being in that particular Dutch school and city. After that conversation it became clear to me.

Knowing that someone has learned to enjoy and appreciate the little things of life made me happy. 

It makes the whole "life-changing-educating-mind-blowing-rumble-hassle-i-will-never-be-the-same-i-will-(maybe)-come-back-(maybe)-as-a-better-person-than-i-was-when-i-left-experience" way more worth than it already was. 

I do often speak highly about that exchange year, however I admit being a bit sick of it. I dream of a new phase in life, which I can call the best time of my life.

dedicated to judit, who is more like a sister than a friend to me and after some rough days is still able to listen to my perhaps non-existing problems, and at the same time joke and be serious about them.


  1. Just keep writing and keep living your live as you want to live it Jaleh.
    Maybe your "writing style" was different in the lasts months compared to the beginning but you just finished Uni and you're building a new path, the path towards what you love to do. Because, as you said, you can do whatever you want.
    So I am sure, once you have started this path that will end when it has to end, you will start writing again with the joy and passion you were in the beginning ( i don't say you are not doing it now!! but is different)

    Keep calm & keep living & writing!

    1. thank you maria for this. really nice and wise words. yes let's see where this path will go, as soon as i hop on it :)